In a recent yoga class we were doing tree pose. Sometimes the teacher will ask us to close our eyes. Since this is a balance, closing your eyes makes remaining upright VERY difficult. But this time she asked us to line up and put our palms or fingertips up against the palms or fingertips of the people on either side of us. At the end of each row was an anchor person, someone with eyes open and two feet on the ground.
Fingertips together and eyes closed, we lifted one foot to an ankle. And we remained solid in our stance. I didn't waver for a second because of that very gentle support. But take that away, and I would have fallen out in a few seconds.
We don't need someone holding us up to maintain balance in our spiritual lives either. Just a little touch will do. Even when the storm rages around us and we feel blind, a quick note from a friend or a hug or even a nod of understanding and compassion can keep us strong in our stance. Eventually the winds and rain pass, but those gestures of kindness will not be forgotten. And with the anchor of the love of Jesus holding us together, we can all stay upright if we just work together.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Friday, January 20, 2012
Guilt, the Quiet Killer
If you could go back in your past to a single point in time and change one action, what would it be?
17 years ago today I was a selfish, stupid seventeen year old girl. It was a cold winter afternoon in Iowa. My dad wasn’t feeling good so he was in bed for a nap. Maybe around 5:00 or 5:30 I wanted to go out to be with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to wake my dad – but I also didn’t want him to tell me I couldn’t go out – so I slipped out of the house quietly. He had a heart attack and died while I was gone.
I had just gotten certified in CPR. Could I have saved my dad? Probably not. But if I’d been there, perhaps he wouldn’t have died alone. At least my mom wouldn’t have been by herself as she found him, called 911 and had the operator walk her through CPR. It all could have been different if I had just said goodbye.
That’s quite a bit for a 17-year-old to handle. So I didn’t.
I shut down, denied and otherwise closed off whole parts of my heart because it was just too much guilt to bear.
Guilt is the recognition that we have failed to live up our own standards. We have done wrong or failed to do the right thing in our own eyes. And no one can tear us up like ourselves. No one can accuse us like our own conscience, and we have no defense for it. Over time, guilt builds up and if we continue to refuse to deal with it and forgive ourselves, we become ill in many ways; mentally, physically and definitely spiritually. Silently and invisibly it eats us away.
I often feel like guilt is the one area in which Jesus just could not know how I feel. After all, he never hurt anyone. He never cussed out his best friend or left a toy out that someone tripped over and broke their leg or ate a whole bag of Cheetoes in one sitting. He never used his freedom to hurt someone else. So how could he possibly know how I feel?
On the cross, Jesus became sin for us, on our behalf, in order the pay the price so we wouldn’t have to. When this happened, God turned his face away from him. He couldn’t look at his own son because he was so filled with sin – our sin. Jesus was guilty. Not just of my sin, but the sin of the world.
Can Jesus understand how I feel? Yeah….I think he can.
Years went by. Many years. And still I had refused to forgive myself and purge the darkness from my soul. I carried it around with me everywhere I went. Any time it tried to come up, I buried it. And I was good at it.
Then a few years ago my best friend’s mother died unexpectedly. I flew in right away to be with her. She’d been my shoulder so many times and it was my turn to hold her up. Little did I know what was about to happen.
At her mother’s service, I sat next to Lisa and held her hand. Suddenly my unforgiveness of myself could not be buried anymore. Lisa’s loss and the intense grief of those around me uncovered my guilt, and I was naked before God.
I dealt with more than 14 years of grief and guilt in front of everyone there.
And dealt with it. And dealt with it.
I sobbed so hard at one point I began choking violently on my tears. People must have thought I was insane – here’s this chick they’ve never seen before and she’s losing it like it was her mom. The harder I tried to control it, the worse it became.
At the end, I was raw. I was dazed. But I had allowed myself to forgive myself.
God bless Lisa for holding me up. In the middle of her own personal hell, she held me up and said, “Are you ok?”
And I was. I really was.
So if I could go back and change one thing…it would be to say goodbye before I left the house on January 20, 1995. It’s unlikely that I could have changed the course of events that day, but the burden I had to deal with would have been a bit lighter.
If you’re carrying guilt around with you I encourage you to try lay it down. God has already forgiven you - now you must forgive yourself. It’s painful and wretched to deal with, but the resulting peace is so worth it. Free your soul!
17 years ago today I was a selfish, stupid seventeen year old girl. It was a cold winter afternoon in Iowa. My dad wasn’t feeling good so he was in bed for a nap. Maybe around 5:00 or 5:30 I wanted to go out to be with my boyfriend. I didn’t want to wake my dad – but I also didn’t want him to tell me I couldn’t go out – so I slipped out of the house quietly. He had a heart attack and died while I was gone.
I had just gotten certified in CPR. Could I have saved my dad? Probably not. But if I’d been there, perhaps he wouldn’t have died alone. At least my mom wouldn’t have been by herself as she found him, called 911 and had the operator walk her through CPR. It all could have been different if I had just said goodbye.
That’s quite a bit for a 17-year-old to handle. So I didn’t.
I shut down, denied and otherwise closed off whole parts of my heart because it was just too much guilt to bear.
Guilt is the recognition that we have failed to live up our own standards. We have done wrong or failed to do the right thing in our own eyes. And no one can tear us up like ourselves. No one can accuse us like our own conscience, and we have no defense for it. Over time, guilt builds up and if we continue to refuse to deal with it and forgive ourselves, we become ill in many ways; mentally, physically and definitely spiritually. Silently and invisibly it eats us away.
I often feel like guilt is the one area in which Jesus just could not know how I feel. After all, he never hurt anyone. He never cussed out his best friend or left a toy out that someone tripped over and broke their leg or ate a whole bag of Cheetoes in one sitting. He never used his freedom to hurt someone else. So how could he possibly know how I feel?
On the cross, Jesus became sin for us, on our behalf, in order the pay the price so we wouldn’t have to. When this happened, God turned his face away from him. He couldn’t look at his own son because he was so filled with sin – our sin. Jesus was guilty. Not just of my sin, but the sin of the world.
Can Jesus understand how I feel? Yeah….I think he can.
Years went by. Many years. And still I had refused to forgive myself and purge the darkness from my soul. I carried it around with me everywhere I went. Any time it tried to come up, I buried it. And I was good at it.
Then a few years ago my best friend’s mother died unexpectedly. I flew in right away to be with her. She’d been my shoulder so many times and it was my turn to hold her up. Little did I know what was about to happen.
At her mother’s service, I sat next to Lisa and held her hand. Suddenly my unforgiveness of myself could not be buried anymore. Lisa’s loss and the intense grief of those around me uncovered my guilt, and I was naked before God.
I dealt with more than 14 years of grief and guilt in front of everyone there.
And dealt with it. And dealt with it.
I sobbed so hard at one point I began choking violently on my tears. People must have thought I was insane – here’s this chick they’ve never seen before and she’s losing it like it was her mom. The harder I tried to control it, the worse it became.
At the end, I was raw. I was dazed. But I had allowed myself to forgive myself.
God bless Lisa for holding me up. In the middle of her own personal hell, she held me up and said, “Are you ok?”
And I was. I really was.
So if I could go back and change one thing…it would be to say goodbye before I left the house on January 20, 1995. It’s unlikely that I could have changed the course of events that day, but the burden I had to deal with would have been a bit lighter.
If you’re carrying guilt around with you I encourage you to try lay it down. God has already forgiven you - now you must forgive yourself. It’s painful and wretched to deal with, but the resulting peace is so worth it. Free your soul!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Why I'm Not a Social Conservative
When you hear “Christian” in political discussion it often conjures up images of right-wing white Republicans whose top issues are abortion and gay marriage. And to be honest that’s not too far from the truth. Most Christians I know vote Republican and believe that recognizing gay marriage would mark the end of the nation. However, I believe that when you are focused on behavior, you are less focused on relationship and love; I believe the love of Jesus is bigger than any social issue.
I am a Christian, meaning I am a follower of Jesus Christ. And I am not a social conservative.
There are three main reasons for this, and it’s not because I believe that people should use drugs, hire prostitutes and have abortions twice a year. The idea that if you believe something should be legal means you want to do it or that you encourage others to do it is tired and trite. I don’t know anyone who thinks being rude should be illegal, but in general rudeness is not a quality that is valued. Instead, my reasons are:
#1. America was founded on liberty. We have made many mistakes in this country, even from the beginning, but personal liberty is one of the primary ideals that sets us apart from the rest of the world. We should strive to maximize liberty by learning from past errors and making the future better than the past. If personal liberty – being left in peace to do as you please so long as it does not harm or infringe upon the rights of others – is no longer valued, America is dead. Because you can rest assured that someone out there disagrees with something you do. If you cannot offer peace and privacy to others, they are unlikely to be willing to offer it to you.
#2. Trying to codify morality results in serious inconsistencies. Why is gay marriage the killer of American morality, but no one is trying to make it illegal to engage in premarital heterosexual sex? Why is alcohol, a substance (generally) manufactured by humans, acceptable and morally superior to a plant in its natural state (marijuana)? “Crimes” that hurt no one other than the individual themselves are harshly punished, but those that injure others, such as marital unfaithfulness, are overlooked. If you’re going to try to make sin illegal you’ve got a lot of explaining to do on your system of picking and choosing. It is impossible to justify the positions of the social conservative in any rational way.
#3. Jesus did not try to force morality on those around him. He simply offered them a better way. Instead of petitioning the government to make activity X, Y or Z a crime, He offered them a relationship with him, not harsh rules and impossible law. He came to free us from the law, but today’s Christians so often want to cling to a series of rules and regulations. God offers us free will and freedom of choice – a courtesy that so many Christians seem very unwilling to extend to those around us. In fact, people are so intent on controlling the behavior of others they are willing to forfeit their own freedom in order to do so. The more freedom we attempt to take by force, the further down the spiral people will go, and the more enslaved we will become to our own rules. Jesus didn’t try to use the government to force people to behave a certain way, and neither will I.
I’ll address specific issues one by one in future posts, but all of my positions are rooted in these three founding principles: liberty, consistency/equality, and non-aggression.
One of my favorite movies is Serenity, a science fiction film based on the TV series Firefly. In the movie, the government uses drugs instead of laws to calm and control the population of a planet called Miranda. It seemed to be working initially, and surely the powers that be congratulated themselves. But it worked too well, and the people were so calmed they just laid down and let themselves die. A small percentage of the population had an adverse reaction to the drug and they became horrific monsters, murdering, raping, pillaging and eating people alive. The government’s attempt to force people to be “better” ended in disaster. I pray that the United States does not become Miranda.
I am a Christian, meaning I am a follower of Jesus Christ. And I am not a social conservative.
There are three main reasons for this, and it’s not because I believe that people should use drugs, hire prostitutes and have abortions twice a year. The idea that if you believe something should be legal means you want to do it or that you encourage others to do it is tired and trite. I don’t know anyone who thinks being rude should be illegal, but in general rudeness is not a quality that is valued. Instead, my reasons are:
#1. America was founded on liberty. We have made many mistakes in this country, even from the beginning, but personal liberty is one of the primary ideals that sets us apart from the rest of the world. We should strive to maximize liberty by learning from past errors and making the future better than the past. If personal liberty – being left in peace to do as you please so long as it does not harm or infringe upon the rights of others – is no longer valued, America is dead. Because you can rest assured that someone out there disagrees with something you do. If you cannot offer peace and privacy to others, they are unlikely to be willing to offer it to you.
#2. Trying to codify morality results in serious inconsistencies. Why is gay marriage the killer of American morality, but no one is trying to make it illegal to engage in premarital heterosexual sex? Why is alcohol, a substance (generally) manufactured by humans, acceptable and morally superior to a plant in its natural state (marijuana)? “Crimes” that hurt no one other than the individual themselves are harshly punished, but those that injure others, such as marital unfaithfulness, are overlooked. If you’re going to try to make sin illegal you’ve got a lot of explaining to do on your system of picking and choosing. It is impossible to justify the positions of the social conservative in any rational way.
#3. Jesus did not try to force morality on those around him. He simply offered them a better way. Instead of petitioning the government to make activity X, Y or Z a crime, He offered them a relationship with him, not harsh rules and impossible law. He came to free us from the law, but today’s Christians so often want to cling to a series of rules and regulations. God offers us free will and freedom of choice – a courtesy that so many Christians seem very unwilling to extend to those around us. In fact, people are so intent on controlling the behavior of others they are willing to forfeit their own freedom in order to do so. The more freedom we attempt to take by force, the further down the spiral people will go, and the more enslaved we will become to our own rules. Jesus didn’t try to use the government to force people to behave a certain way, and neither will I.
I’ll address specific issues one by one in future posts, but all of my positions are rooted in these three founding principles: liberty, consistency/equality, and non-aggression.
One of my favorite movies is Serenity, a science fiction film based on the TV series Firefly. In the movie, the government uses drugs instead of laws to calm and control the population of a planet called Miranda. It seemed to be working initially, and surely the powers that be congratulated themselves. But it worked too well, and the people were so calmed they just laid down and let themselves die. A small percentage of the population had an adverse reaction to the drug and they became horrific monsters, murdering, raping, pillaging and eating people alive. The government’s attempt to force people to be “better” ended in disaster. I pray that the United States does not become Miranda.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Do You Follow the Prince of Peace or Not?
I wouldn't consider myself a Bill Maher fan, but last year I watched this clip of him absolutely lambasting Christians and have never forgotten how right he is. Language warning.
I don't find this clip funny. I find it convicting.
I used to be one of those Christians who was anything but peace loving. And he is right - if warfare is what you love, you should find a new name for yourself because Christian just does not fit. Instead of re-naming myself, I realigned my heart and my thoughts with Jesus.
The fact that he is saying these things and people are laughing really breaks my heart, because that means that they have seen enough war-mongering, torture-loving Christians to see the truth of his words. It means that enough Christians have corrupted the message to the point that claiming to follow Jesus has become a mockery. Why would a world respect a group of people who consistently do the opposite of what their leader says? It's better to be disagreed with, even hated for what you believe than to be scorned and scoffed at for being a hypocrite.
Remember the whole What Would Jesus Do craze and everyone was wearing those WWJD bracelets and such? Too bad more Christians didn't really think about it more critically. I was saddened when I saw Christians celebrating when the news that Bin Laden had been killed was released. Dancing in the blood of your enemies? Is that what Jesus would do? How can someone who claims to follow the Prince of Peace find joy in death, no matter who it is?
How have we turned the right to self-defense into glee in killing? Relief, justice, somber acknowlegement of the end of something violent...these would be normal emotions. Popping Champagne? Maybe not so appropo.
Again we see that sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to see what we ourselves are unable to identify. Something is very, very wrong when supposed followers of Jesus are calling for war, violence and torture. What happened to our hearts? Aren't Christians supposed to be different?
It's a pretty sad statement when atheists are more Christ-like and can more accurately portray the heart of Jesus than Christians.
I don't find this clip funny. I find it convicting.
I used to be one of those Christians who was anything but peace loving. And he is right - if warfare is what you love, you should find a new name for yourself because Christian just does not fit. Instead of re-naming myself, I realigned my heart and my thoughts with Jesus.
The fact that he is saying these things and people are laughing really breaks my heart, because that means that they have seen enough war-mongering, torture-loving Christians to see the truth of his words. It means that enough Christians have corrupted the message to the point that claiming to follow Jesus has become a mockery. Why would a world respect a group of people who consistently do the opposite of what their leader says? It's better to be disagreed with, even hated for what you believe than to be scorned and scoffed at for being a hypocrite.
Remember the whole What Would Jesus Do craze and everyone was wearing those WWJD bracelets and such? Too bad more Christians didn't really think about it more critically. I was saddened when I saw Christians celebrating when the news that Bin Laden had been killed was released. Dancing in the blood of your enemies? Is that what Jesus would do? How can someone who claims to follow the Prince of Peace find joy in death, no matter who it is?
How have we turned the right to self-defense into glee in killing? Relief, justice, somber acknowlegement of the end of something violent...these would be normal emotions. Popping Champagne? Maybe not so appropo.
Again we see that sometimes it takes someone from the outside looking in to see what we ourselves are unable to identify. Something is very, very wrong when supposed followers of Jesus are calling for war, violence and torture. What happened to our hearts? Aren't Christians supposed to be different?
It's a pretty sad statement when atheists are more Christ-like and can more accurately portray the heart of Jesus than Christians.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Breaking Chains With Forgiveness
I was recently involved in a discussion about various forms of mistreatment of kids in public school. Several people shared stories, and I related one of my own:
When I was in first grade, we were cleaning up the classroom and I'd been picking up stuff off the floor. My hands were dirty. I was a rational kid - my hands were dirty and needed to be washed. So I went out to the handwashing fountain at the bathrooms, about 20 feet away from the classroom door. I washed my hands and was returning to the classroom when the teacher stopped me in the hallway. She grabbed my wrist and unleashed a scathing string of verbal abuse on me for leaving the classroom without permission. She scared me so bad I peed myself right there in the hallway.
For years afterward, I was terrified of commiting even the most minor infraction. Still to this day, I am very hesitant to even slightly bend the rules, with this phantom fear hanging in my mind, that someone will over-punish and humiliate me if I do, thanks to this sad encounter I had when I was six years old.
As I shared this story, I realized how deeply my teacher had hurt me and how much I still held this against her. After 28 years, I was still furious with her. Had this injured her? Had my resentment and anger punished her for what she did? No...but it was hurting me. As long as I harbored that unforgiveness in my heart I was in prison to the fear it provoked in me.
A few days later I was in a vinyasa flow yoga class. Often times the yoga instructor will ask you to think of an intention for your practice that day. The incident with my teacher was still on my mind, so I took a deep breath and decided my intention for the class period would be forgiveness.
At the end of class we go into a period of calmness and introspection in corpse pose, or savasana. Pretty much you just lay there and focus on whatever you want. I was thinking back to my intention - forgiveness - and knew that it was time. I envisioned myself back in that hallway, my teacher squeezing my wrist. I felt my heartbeat racing as any frightened six year old would experience. I heard her fierce, angry words. Then suddenly I was my adult self with her. I took her hand off my wrist...and reached out and hugged her. I told her I forgave her. I told her I understand that people make mistakes, and that I've hurt people too. I would no longer hold onto that burning ember of bitterness. All was forgiven.
The lightness that overcame me in that moment was as strong as it was unexpected. I almost started to cry right there in the middle of yoga class, it was so powerful. I left class feeling like a feather, and it still brings me joy remembering how awesome it felt. After 28 years, I had forgiven and would no longer be a slave to that hurt.
I recently heard somewhere that to forgive means that you acknowlege that you are like other people. Jesus told us that we should forgive those who offend us as we have been forgiven. If you are holding onto a hurt, give forgiveness a try. The wound may be new or old, but the effect is the same: freedom for you, and peace in your heart!
Matthew 18:21-35
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
When I was in first grade, we were cleaning up the classroom and I'd been picking up stuff off the floor. My hands were dirty. I was a rational kid - my hands were dirty and needed to be washed. So I went out to the handwashing fountain at the bathrooms, about 20 feet away from the classroom door. I washed my hands and was returning to the classroom when the teacher stopped me in the hallway. She grabbed my wrist and unleashed a scathing string of verbal abuse on me for leaving the classroom without permission. She scared me so bad I peed myself right there in the hallway.
For years afterward, I was terrified of commiting even the most minor infraction. Still to this day, I am very hesitant to even slightly bend the rules, with this phantom fear hanging in my mind, that someone will over-punish and humiliate me if I do, thanks to this sad encounter I had when I was six years old.
As I shared this story, I realized how deeply my teacher had hurt me and how much I still held this against her. After 28 years, I was still furious with her. Had this injured her? Had my resentment and anger punished her for what she did? No...but it was hurting me. As long as I harbored that unforgiveness in my heart I was in prison to the fear it provoked in me.
A few days later I was in a vinyasa flow yoga class. Often times the yoga instructor will ask you to think of an intention for your practice that day. The incident with my teacher was still on my mind, so I took a deep breath and decided my intention for the class period would be forgiveness.
At the end of class we go into a period of calmness and introspection in corpse pose, or savasana. Pretty much you just lay there and focus on whatever you want. I was thinking back to my intention - forgiveness - and knew that it was time. I envisioned myself back in that hallway, my teacher squeezing my wrist. I felt my heartbeat racing as any frightened six year old would experience. I heard her fierce, angry words. Then suddenly I was my adult self with her. I took her hand off my wrist...and reached out and hugged her. I told her I forgave her. I told her I understand that people make mistakes, and that I've hurt people too. I would no longer hold onto that burning ember of bitterness. All was forgiven.
The lightness that overcame me in that moment was as strong as it was unexpected. I almost started to cry right there in the middle of yoga class, it was so powerful. I left class feeling like a feather, and it still brings me joy remembering how awesome it felt. After 28 years, I had forgiven and would no longer be a slave to that hurt.
I recently heard somewhere that to forgive means that you acknowlege that you are like other people. Jesus told us that we should forgive those who offend us as we have been forgiven. If you are holding onto a hurt, give forgiveness a try. The wound may be new or old, but the effect is the same: freedom for you, and peace in your heart!
Matthew 18:21-35
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
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