I was recently involved in a discussion about various forms of mistreatment of kids in public school. Several people shared stories, and I related one of my own:
When I was in first grade, we were cleaning up the classroom and I'd been picking up stuff off the floor. My hands were dirty. I was a rational kid - my hands were dirty and needed to be washed. So I went out to the handwashing fountain at the bathrooms, about 20 feet away from the classroom door. I washed my hands and was returning to the classroom when the teacher stopped me in the hallway. She grabbed my wrist and unleashed a scathing string of verbal abuse on me for leaving the classroom without permission. She scared me so bad I peed myself right there in the hallway.
For years afterward, I was terrified of commiting even the most minor infraction. Still to this day, I am very hesitant to even slightly bend the rules, with this phantom fear hanging in my mind, that someone will over-punish and humiliate me if I do, thanks to this sad encounter I had when I was six years old.
As I shared this story, I realized how deeply my teacher had hurt me and how much I still held this against her. After 28 years, I was still furious with her. Had this injured her? Had my resentment and anger punished her for what she did? No...but it was hurting me. As long as I harbored that unforgiveness in my heart I was in prison to the fear it provoked in me.
A few days later I was in a vinyasa flow yoga class. Often times the yoga instructor will ask you to think of an intention for your practice that day. The incident with my teacher was still on my mind, so I took a deep breath and decided my intention for the class period would be forgiveness.
At the end of class we go into a period of calmness and introspection in corpse pose, or savasana. Pretty much you just lay there and focus on whatever you want. I was thinking back to my intention - forgiveness - and knew that it was time. I envisioned myself back in that hallway, my teacher squeezing my wrist. I felt my heartbeat racing as any frightened six year old would experience. I heard her fierce, angry words. Then suddenly I was my adult self with her. I took her hand off my wrist...and reached out and hugged her. I told her I forgave her. I told her I understand that people make mistakes, and that I've hurt people too. I would no longer hold onto that burning ember of bitterness. All was forgiven.
The lightness that overcame me in that moment was as strong as it was unexpected. I almost started to cry right there in the middle of yoga class, it was so powerful. I left class feeling like a feather, and it still brings me joy remembering how awesome it felt. After 28 years, I had forgiven and would no longer be a slave to that hurt.
I recently heard somewhere that to forgive means that you acknowlege that you are like other people. Jesus told us that we should forgive those who offend us as we have been forgiven. If you are holding onto a hurt, give forgiveness a try. The wound may be new or old, but the effect is the same: freedom for you, and peace in your heart!
Matthew 18:21-35
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."
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